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FOUR SURE WAYS TO CREATE HAPPINESS AND WIN-WIN SITUATIONS ..............................................................................................................................................................................
Here are four sage and sure ways to avoid needless distress and create happiness and win-win situations in your relationship and family.
- Talk about your feelings, instead of acting them out.
- Take responsibility for your upset, instead of blaming someone else.
- Don't take anything personally. It never is.
- Never make assumptions.
TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, INSTEAD OF ACTING THEM OUT.
Many people act on their emotions instead of acknowledging them and expressing them.
We get angry, we fight or flee, we repress uncomfortable emotions through denial or stuff them with avoidance, endless acquisition or restlessly moving from one place to the other.
When we are in pain we might want to party or drink and gamble to forget. Some of us break off contact when we are frustrated or angry, without ever working things out or learning a lesson.
Some of us follow a recurrent theme of seducing and snaring a married men, an unconscious script of revenge, in which the seductress does what has been done to her growing up. Instead of dealing with childhood betrayal and abandonment, the feelings are "exorcised" from self and resurrected onto the devasted wife. Sadly, this compulsive repetition is a futile exercise, since childhood issues - when unattended to - inevitably keep popping up, especially in intimate relationships.
All of us have used the fight or flight reflex in the family in moments of conflict or burdened family members with unconscious scripts of incrimination, passive agression or outright mutiny. Sometimes it seems as if the family is a battleground of right and wrong or a course in survival. Family members fire at the "enemy" with words or force the "enemy" to defend or surrender, without realizing that the enemy is made up and projected out on a loved one.
In those instances we are unable to pause, take a hold of ourself, use our "observing ego" (the part of oneself that observes self and says "in what way am I part of this problem?"), reflect, sort through emotions, communicate frustration, truly listen to each other and go for a win-win approach.
Acting out holds power over us, instead of us holding power over it.
When we are reactive we do not make a choice, the choice is making us. When we are reactive we are a puppet on the strings of our past lacerations. We can't help ourselves. And consequently we are missing out on the opportunity to facilitate real change, away from ego and powerstruggle, beyond blind (self) destruction and towards healing and happiness.
Of course it is easy to stick with what is familiar. Some of us are even afraid of change or afraid to believe in something better. Some of us have a hard time challenging oneself and getting out of the comfort zone, no matter how detrimental the comfort zone is, even for oneself. But what we do not realize is that everyone, including oneself, inevitably pays a price for acting out, instead of talking out and working through the issues.
We can do better. We can gain in wisdom and strength, if we understand that acting out robs us from vital know-how and keeps us stuck in endless repetition of the same old themes and habits, without renewal, without growth, without transformation.
Those who act out do not get to know themselves and do not get to recognize, let alone break, the repetitive themes and habits which are at the core of recurrent conflict.
Acting out not only keeps us from choice, it keeps us from change, keeps us from anything better or different, let alone our best, and thus robs us from deserved happiness and peace of mind.
A sure way to prevent acting out, conflict or unhappiness is using a tool called DIALOGUE.
Many families have already learned to use DIALOGUE and have discovered that using DIALOGUE is love in action. Through using DIALOGUE they create a positive solution, away from powerstruggle, towards understanding, towards negotiation, towards cooperation and towards the best for all. DIALOGUE brings true change and happiness. DIALOGUE is part of Imago Relationship Therapy (for more on Sophia's training in Imago Relationship Therapy see Bio) and has three stages:
MIRRORING: Reflecting back what is received from the sender. The purpose of mirroring is to let the sender know that the receiver is willing to put aside thoughts and feelings, just for the moment, to listen and understand sender's point of view.
VALIDATING: Indicating that what the sender says makes sense.
It does not mean that the receiver has to agree with the sender. The purpose of validating is to let the receiver know that he/she is willing to go to the sender's planet and respect what is going on there by letting sender know that his/her way of looking at things is valid. This allows the sender to feel safe and truly share him/her self.
The safety and sharing will generate relaxation, which in turn will generate a feeling of closeness and win-win.
EMPATHIZING: Letting the sender know that the receiver is willing to, just for a moment, step inside the sender's shoes and try to see the world through sender's eyes, while recognizing the emotions of the sender. The purpose of recognizing and empathizing is a genuine meeting of minds and hearts. This is healing and transforming for both participants, independent of what is communicated.
This is how DIALOGUE goes:
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Sender continues sending until the
message is completed. |
Receiver keep mirroring back until the sender says: "No, there is no more about this."
SUMMARIZE
After sender has said: "No, there is no more
about this", summarize the message in one
or two sentences:
"What you are telling me is..."
"Did I get it?"
VALIDATE
"What you are telling me makes sense because... "or, you make sense because... (state logic of sender's point of view)
Remember you don't have to agree.
You simply indicate that what comes from the sender's planet makes sense to you.
Ask: "Does this validate what you are telling me?"
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Once sender #1 is done, take turns and let sender #1 be the receiver. Go through the process again until the new sender feels light and happy as well.
(for DIALOGUE with children read also: Making a Positive Mark with Mirroring)
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR UPSET INSTEAD OF BLAMING SOMEONE ELSE.
When a partner or family member says or does something (not outright abusive) which makes you upset with an intense quality to the upset (as in over-reacting), you can bet your bottom dollar, someone is triggering a piece from your past.
Become aware of the intensity and use the sense of intensity as a wake-up call.
Ask yourself the questions: "What is going on with me that I am so upset?" and "What got triggered?"
Try to connect to the past with the question: "What does this remind me of?"
Read the article Entrapped on The Merry-Go- Round: Eric Clapton and find out how Eric Clapton became aware of "living out his past". Then acknowledge the fact that something in the present triggered upset from the past, that, like Clapton, you might be doing some "reliving" too. If the upset is anger instead of hurt know that underneath the anger there is always pain and the pain is about not getting your needs met.
While growing up we have specific natural needs in each developmental stage that must be met by our environment. Seconds after we are born we express these needs and reach out, not just for the mother breast, but also for holding, comforting, care and recognition. The way our environment responds to the outcry influences the rest of our life.
If needs are denied or blocked, or if the need is shamed, our natural being is disturbed. If the need is frustrated often enough or in a forceful way, we develop a childhood wound.
If our needs are not met in more than one developmental stage we develop layers of childhood wounds.
Once you have asked yourself — "What does this remind me of" — and once you have acknowledged the childhood wounding you will understand that your partner or family is simple triggering a wound that has been there for a long time. Now you no longer have to blame the other, after all, your family members were not on the scene when the wounding was caused.
(for more on childhood needs and wounds read Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sound Parenting and Developmental Stages)
Talk to your partner or family member about what it was like to grow up with what I call the "original perpetrator", the one who caused your wounding. Ask your partner or family to be understanding and tell them what it is you need that will help you finish unfinished business and generate transformation. If that does not work, decide it's time to do some Beyond Fate... work.
DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY. IT NEVER IS.
Whatever your partner or family member says or does has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Whatever they say or do is a projection of their reality, a projection of what is going on their personal planet.
We take things personally because:
— We are entrapped in ego.
— We learn to buy into the many projections dumped on us during our upbringing and socialization.
Children generally blame themselves for the actions of their parents or the people in their environment. Children are too little and too dependent on the environment to be able to see or dare see the environment for what it is.
— We are entrapped in childhood wounding.
It is profoundly freeing to be aware of projections, to let go of ego and to realize that your wounding is in the past, as countless clients have told me.
To let go of the past say to yourself: "I am not that child anymore." "I survived already." "It can never get worse, the worst is already in the past, things can only get better."
Detach from the opinions and actions of your partner or family member and see him or her for what he or she is or does. The other person is also a human being entrapped in ego and wounding.
When you detach and refuse to take things personally you will unhook yourself from needless distress and make room for calm and happiness to flow in.
NEVER MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.
It is daunting to witness how much time and energy couples and families spend on making assumptions and how much pointless confusion and heartache is created through dwelling and acting on assumptions and unspoken expectations.
Dwelling and acting on assumptions is part of us living in our own little orbit and assuming that all the other orbits around us are identical to ours or are supposed to be identical to ours. Of course they are not. You and your partner/family member are like apples and oranges. Apple will enhance orange and vice versa and the whole - the relationship or the family - will be wonderfully greater and way more powerful and creative than the sum of the parts.
Two - often secret and unconscious - assumptions are:
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my partner is going to make up for everything I missed out growing up and
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my partner or family member is able to read my mind and know exactly what I need.
Both assumptions are a sure set up for deep disappointment.
In general making, dwelling and acting on assumptions and its subsequent misunderstanding will inevitably lead to conflict and outright battles.
Become aware of your assumptions and unspoken expectations. Communicate. Always check out your assumptions with your partner or family. Be brave, be honest, be clear, ask questions, request explanations and state your expectations, needs and wishes. Get out of your head and off your personal planet, be an investigative journalist and listen to your partner or family member and then listen some more. Use DIALOGUE. Without listening there will be no learning, sharing or satisfaction, just endless repetition.
Be aware. Talks things out and talk things through.
The more you do it, the better you get at it, the more you set yourself free, the more happiness you create and attract for you and your family, the more you contribute to the wellbeing of the world.
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