MAKING A POSITIVE MARK WITH MIRRORING

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Some years ago I stumbled on a book called "Are You Somebody".
It is a memoir by an Irish woman named Nuala O'Faolain.
In the book she describes a lifelong, deep yearning for a gratifying connection to the world around her and a longing for love so deep, that it brings tears to your eyes.
Nuala is successful in her career and became famous in and outside her home country Ireland.  
But none of this ever eased her pain of not feeling loved and her struggle to develop a sense of self.
Nuala grew up with a mother so overwhelmed by the task of rearing her nine children that she took comfort in drinking, severely neglecting them.   Her father was continuously absent too and used shame and punishment as a way of keeping the children in check.
It is clear that this is the root of Nuala's wounding.   Most of her significant relationships failed, she never had children and is in deep pain about that too.
We are grateful that our children have had a better start in life.
Yet we all struggle with questions like: What does it take to provide your child with a healthy and strong sense of self?   How do I avoid making the mistakes my parents made?   How do I provide the basics, the safety, support and structure (and boundaries) my child needs at each stage in her development?
No matter how much you struggle or how confused you might be, there is an approach with which you never fail: using a communication technique called "mirroring".
Mirroring is literally and accurately reflecting back what the other is telling you.
The purpose of mirroring is to let the other person (in this case your child) know you are willing to put aside your thoughts and feeling for a moment to really listen and understand the other's point of view.
When you mirror your child, you make it clear that he or she is getting your undivided attention.
It is a way to honor your child's reality - to respect her in her feelings, awareness and the expression of both.   When you mirror your child, you will convey that she is allowed to communicate what she needs and that you will always respond.   It is a way of letting your child know that whatever she is experiencing makes sense, ambivalent feelings and all, and that it is your task to decode, to translate, to understand.   By mirroring, you make your child feel safe and protected.   Mirroring promotes "moments of oneness", ongoing experiences of connection and bonding - experiences that are extremely important for the child's confidence.
Through mirroring you let the child know she is acceptable, adequate, valued, worthy and treasured. Your child will, over time, start thinking about herself exactly in those terms.   She will grow strong, resilient and be able to manage her life, her emotions and her tasks - and have healthy relationships with others as well.
Whenever your child is demanding or difficult, whenever you see behavior that you don't understand, keep mirroring and say to yourself "stay with it, I'll figure out later on what this means" and then mirror again if needed.   You will see that when you take the time to mirror, your child will relax when frustrated or in distress.   When you need to set boundaries your child will inevitably be upset, because she is confronted with something she wants, but cannot have.
Mirror the fact that she wants what she wants and that this makes sense and then mirror the frustration of not getting it.  Then validate what it is your child is saying. 
This does not mean that you agree.  It simply means that you let your child know that her/his way of looking at things is valid.  You want to let your child know that you try to see the world through her/his eyes and recognize the feelings.  But don't let up on your boundaries.  
Ultimately your child is going to quiet down and be okay - validated in her emotions, so that she will learn to trust her inner life and develop a secure sense of self.
Mastering the art of mirroring will break negative patterns of communication, and will redirect and strengthen the parent-child relationship.  Mirroring will have a profound effect on your child's life, the way she will think about herself and the way she will progress in the world.
And there's an added bonus.   As you mirror your children and give them what they need, you are breaking the cycle of childhood wounding.  You are contributing to health and wellbeing, and in doing so you are healing your own history, the history of your family and the history of the world.
You are now part of the creation of a brave new earth.
How's that for a win-win situation!